I Took Performance Enhancers
Maxed out all of Captain Smiley's abilities.
25 
Job Well Done, Faithful Reader
Completed the game.
25 
Collection of a True Fan
Purchased every bonus from Dr. Winklemeyer.
25 
Eugene's Protégé
Finished each level with mistake-free reaction sequences
20 
He Ain't Even Married
Survived Benny's onslaught during The Improbable Paper Pals #79 without taking a hit.
20 
Two Stood Against Many
Completed all three issues of Nanoc the Obliviator.
15 
Hero of the Silver Age
Completed all three issues of The Improbable Paper Pals.
15 
Brad's Savior and Best Friend
Completed all three issues of Cutie Cutie Kid Cupids.
15 
Violence Solves Everything
Fired 125,000 total shots (and counting...)
10 
Shut Star Up
Racked up 15 punches on Star while arguing.
10 
Neural Net Processors
Destroyed 25 of Brad's BradBots.
10 
Pressed X a lot
Earned cash by talking to people in the base.
10